I am at a loss as…

I am at a loss as what to do. I have never had to deal with anything remotely similar in nature. I must admit for the first time ever I am stuck. I am not really sure if that is a good choice of words.

Life is not all good or all bad. And I have had my share of both. But I never felt that I wasn’t in control of it until now. I know this is a bit of a teaser as I have not given the backstory relating to my opening statements. It  is a little sensitive subject matter. I don’t feel comfortable putting it out there.

Transparency is hard. You have to bare your soul. Maybe in time I will make things clearer. All though it has been going on for many years I am just now grasping the reality. I have always sat on the sidelines watching… Ignoring it,denying it,running from it. No action is an action there is always a reaction. One should always consider the consequences of one’s actions.

And now I know why I’ve always kept my distance…Now I feel like I am getting sucked into the middle. It is different..  Uncomfortable…Why does it feel like a battle zone? I just want to live in peace with everyone. Is that a tall order? There is a reason this is all happening. Things I must face. Something I must do , but what? And why?

I must admit new things, change, conflict, and confrontation are not my strong suit. The irony  of it all is I demand peace and order in my life. It works well as long as I am by myself… I know the hermit life must be tempered with interaction. I have not yet found that balance of moving freely from my home of peace and serenity to the world of conflict and chaos. And back again.

In theory if I maintain that balance it works. On the surface is appears easier hide away in my place of refuge avoiding it all. But in reality I’ve made things much worse. Old habits are tough to break. I must change. It is past time when my outside world begins to invade my inside world and disrupting my peace. nick