Lately I’ve been thinkin…

My story begins to take shape as I woke up his morning. Bumbling to the bathroom . This is how I begins each day. Standing in front of the mirror, I can’t help but be the center of attention. Unconsciously​ I begin my primping ritual. Ya right guys​ do it too. I figure if I look good I feel good. And vice a versa. When I feel good I look good.

Today I am more distracted than usual. I try to focus on the moment, but my thoughts  keep drifting​ back through the past month and a half. So much has changed. Not so much yet on the outside,but on the inside of me. I guess birthdays are the best time for new beginnings​. May 4 brings me to my sixty fourth year. Wow, it doesn’t seem like that much time has passed. The month of May also was when I took my much needed vacation. It has been years since I have enjoyed one of those. It wasn’t all that relaxing. I wasn’t able to just lay back and do nothing.  

My vacation began picking up my brother and Mom from the airport. Then a two hour drive to Tucson which turned into four or five hours. You got it . We got lost. Boy did we get lost! Are you ready for my excuse. Here we go. I haven’t been to Tucson in thirty plus years and guess what it has changed. It has changed a lot.

The trip to Tucson was not the happiest of occasions as we were gathering there to pay our last respects  my uncle. But I must say the positive side out weighed the sad occasion. I had the opportunity to see family I hadn’t seen in twenty or so years. I know I’m bad. Time moves faster than I move. There was some of the usual old rhetoric, but there were some surprises too.

I think it was the second day there. We all had two full days of what I call pleasantries. It’s like everyone is extra nice. Speaking no ill. Well at least not to your face. I don’t know how it is in other families. Mine seems to have this pass time or obsessive need to talk about whoever isn’t there. The subject matter is endless. Usually negative. And somewhat fabricated or stretched truth. At some point early in the conversation I got to get away. Actually it’s not rude of me. It’s a win win situation. I don’t have to listen to the bull shit and they have someone else they can talk about.

Anyway I am starting to drift off topic.  As I was saying it must have been the second or the third day  in. I was feeling additude but no one was saying anything to my face.  You know it gets a bit uncomfortable when you you walk up to group of people you know…as in my case family members. Everybody is talking and laughing. And they suddenly get quiet and just stare at you. My first reaction is to tell them to fuck off and just walk away. No I can’t do that . There is always two sides to every story. I do not claim to be perfect. I have made my share of mistake, but if everyone is being honest with themselves. We have all had our share of mistakes. I am nobodies judge and I don’t expect anyone to be like me.  We each have our ways. But I do expect the same respect I give to others.

We fear what we don’t understand. I guess we all want to be understood. Accepted… To be truly accepted does not mean we must become what others expect us to be.  Accept me for who I am and I will you.

If  I can continue my story.  On this evening it became clear to me why I was there. The conversation shifted  from the pleasantries of the group to dialogue between me and my aunt… No one interrupted . Not one word. It was her expressing her feelings and frustration twards had been building for may years. And I was listening. Then I share my explanation. No screaming , no I’m right and you are wrong.  No it was her saying her feelings  and my word explaining why I followed the path I am on. Not intending to hurt anyone.  In my niave way I didnt even realize I was hurting others. And how misunderstood I was because I didn’t take the time to explain.  I never talked about it.  Running from any confrontation.

All I can say… I’ve spent years carrying all that extra baggage. It is time,past time to shed some of that load. If I knew then what I know now. Well I am just saying.